As I reflect back over the last few years, it takes me back a bit. The amount of loss is pretty overwhelming. The last few years have had conflicts and health crisis as well. Somehow like most people I just continue to push forward. This has made me think about crossroads, transitions, and endings.
Crossroads, transitions, and endings have similarity, and some overlap. But there are some differences. They can be messy and full of uncertainty. Whether we are at a crossroads, in transitions or going through endings, it can leave us with ambivalence, confusion and uneasiness.
My journey
I have tried to process everything I have been through. But the surprising part is just how much it is. When I sit and have a review of each year from the last three years, I realize that individual events have been clumping into one big one. Each year stands out as a lot on its own. When I put it into the last 3 years, it has been significant.
Endings
The obvious is that there has been a lot of death within my family and my close biosphere around me. It isn’t just one year but scattered throughout the last few years. There have been less obvious losses of friends moving away and, even though they are still in my life, there is loss of being able to spend time with them. I also have had the end of a long-time relationship which feels a bit like a death.
Transitions
Transitions have a place that can live before a crossroad or even an ending. There is that saying, when one door closes, another door opens. But it does leave out that there can be a hallway between these doors which could end up at the end of one thing that leads to a crossroad. However, this can also be a long dark hallway before we get to another door or doors to move through.
This is a place where no more and not yet exists. What we have known is gone and what is yet to be or come is still in the future. This can be where we feel our most lost and alone. It can be messy and full of doubt. This can occur at endings or before crossroads, though we never actually know just how long we will be in this place. It can be a quick hallway or a long hallway that feels like there is no end in sight.
Embracing Uncertainty
Life is generally not clean and clear throughout. We do have times where we just know what path to take. But we have times throughout our life that takes us to a place of complete uncertainty. As humans we are generally pretty uncomfortable with uncertainty. But this is an opportunity for growth and learning.
When we are in those in-between moments it can feel unpleasant at times. It is a time we may question everything but it is an opportunity to explore and an opportunity to be able to sit with the discomfort. It can allow us to grow and really explore who we are and what we want.
Cocoon
I do feel a weird sense of peace in-spite of everything and the grief is still there. I’m reflecting on where that puts me in the process. Some certainly feels like endings. I don’t feel like I’m at a crossroad yet and maybe I’ve come to accept that this transition I’m in is okay. I have a lot of uncertainty and know I will come to some crossroads at some point and will have to make some choices. But I’m embracing this phase with more curiosity than fear.
Maybe it’s not actually a transition, but instead more of a cocoon. A time of reflections and metamorphosis. I’m not entirely sure what phases I am in, just that I’m okay with what stage or phases I am in. I suppose time will tell where I end up and just what phases it ended up being. I think it is important to approach where ever we are in our journey with curiosity and compassion. And when we stay open to all the possibilities, it will create a space of growth and healing.
“There is something special about the beauty in the unclear, the ambiguity, the in-between that you can’t totally recognise.”
Alessandro Michele
Photo by Grant Richie on Unsplash
Prior Blog, “Self-Reflection”, https://illuminationcounselingservice.com/2022/05/01/self-reflection/?fbclid=IwAR1Azo53hnDYpogliM6YWmTGNPrvmXoaWdHC93m4h9FZTs8FChJIYzqy1FE
Blog, “Lessons in Autumn”, https://illuminationcounselingservice.com/2023/09/22/lessons-in-autumn/.
